So there's this guy at my college.
He thinks himself to be a pretty good writer.
He thinks this so much that he published a book.
This book is awful. As part of a massive troll campaign, I've been directed to write a screenplay for this book.
What I've got so far is below. Note: I haven't made up any of the details. The history, character names, world details, etc. are all in the book.
THE DRAGON HUNTER
Adapted for the screen by Dark Chocobo
A map of NORTH AMERICA. A plastic sheet is OVERLAYED, with the DRAGON HUNTER WORLD on it. CANADA is crossed out, with “HERE BE DRAGONS” in its place.
The NARRATOR begins speaking, though not on screen. Throughout his opening speech, the camera is panning and zooming around on the map.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
A long time ago on a planet far, far away, dragons lived. It was very similar to Earth, with just one continent on it, because FUCK CONTINENTAL DRIFT. This continent housed many societies, all of which were very similar to each other and were very like medieval England. All of these societies believed in the Great God, though different beliefs about him exist. He created the dragons, the humans, and all other living creatures.
CUT TO: Space, with a bunch of floating animals, humans, and dragons, all dead.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The Great God realized that this was a bad idea creating the creatures first, so he created a planet, which turned out much better for the creatures.
CUT TO: Earth, as seen from space.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
No, no, it’s not Earth!
EARTH is quickly color-corrected and flipped upside down.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
That’s better. Getting back to the story...after about two thousand years of not knowing when the hell Sunday was, the Great God was tired of people being late for Mass and created a calendar system.
CUT TO: The calendar. Flip through it as the following is said, though every single page is FEBRUARY, with FEBRUARY crossed out and replaced with a number (1, 2, etc).
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The year was divided into 12 draimonths, each draimonth having 4 draiweeks, each week having 7 draidays. After creating this calendar system, the Great God decided that the people should really start doing things for themselves, so he gave them the most important ability, the thing that separates us from every other animal on earth…
CUT TO: An armory
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The ability to make weapons. Because, you know, farming is for wussy societies. However, he also gave them emotions and a conscience. Humanity was growing in its power and intellect. This didn’t mean that they forgot the dragons, though.
CUT TO: A dragon. Or several types of dragons. Grrrr.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The humans and dragons decided to form a pact between them: Dragons would only kill if it was necessary to ensure their survival, and they were to attack only when hungry. Because apparently dragons, though being powerful, wise, and prestigious, had trouble feeding themselves. Humans, meanwhile, were to not hunt or attack the dragons, even though they might be carrying off your prize livestock, thus leaving you poor and destitute. But it’s okay! They were just hungry! Apparently, hunting is OUT OF THE QUESTION. <pause> But I digress.
CUT TO: Dragons and humans fighting
NARRATOR (V.O.)
To the shock and surprise of no one, this pact didn’t hold. A war began, lasting 23 years, called the Dragon Eradication Campaign. It really sucked, and most of the dragons and humans died. After lots of senseless violence, they decided that it was stupid, and reformed a truce. The Dragons moved off north to Cana….I mean…dragon territory, and the humans had everywhere else. Eventually, five human kingdoms formed.
CUT TO: Map of the Dragon Hunter World.
NARRATOR (V.O)
The Kingdom of Sceria, the Chloran Kingdom, the Arrian Kingdom, the Zoranic Kingdom, and the Kingdom of Kartian. Democracy is a silly concept to these people. Also, don’t bother trying to remember the names, they’re too silly. However, one man from these kingdoms would grow to become a legend. This legend was to be repeated for centuries, but one night some bards got really drunk and ended up messing the whole thing up. We’ve gone to great lengths to find out the true tale, and we will present it for you. A story of love, loss, and really sexual imagery. The story of Niquen Okami, the Dragon Hunter.
